Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Evoque makes me Puque



I spent much of last week in Maida Vale, home of Stupid Urban Vehicles, attempting to encourage children to cycle on the road.

So I want to scream when I see a a promo video where the sad man in charge of Land Rover design talks about the 'design philosophy' of their new urban Rage Rover, the Evoque. He's clear that "People don't really need them but they want them" and says "I think this vehicle is going to transform our city landscape".

The website brags that
"Its dynamic profile, with a dramatic rising beltline, muscular shoulders and a distinctive taper of the floating roofline, seems to draw the eye towards it, giving Range Rover Evoque a natural authority and magnetism."

According to the site, "Your choices start with three main design themes"

They're along these lines:

Bitch
A striking coupé-like exterior combined with elegant, uncluttered interiors in neutral colours showcases the pure, simple forms of the cabin architecture. Brushed aluminium trim contrasts with soft-touch wrapped materials. Smooth surfaces make it easy to wipe off the blood and gristle from a child cyclist you've crushed while doing the school run.

Bastard
The ultimate in Range Rover luxury, combining an enhanced exterior with unique 19 inch wheels and premium brightwork with a sumptuous interior almost entirely swathed in the finest leather, complemented by real wood and metal finishes. You can mow down over a whole family riding bikes and you won't feel a thing in your cocooned mansion car.

Bully
A bold, dramatic exterior with 20 inch wheels, unique bumpers, sills, grille and tailpipes, which projects a more assertive, confident stance. Premium sports interiors with leather seats and unique sports detailing reinforces the dynamic design theme. The cheesegrater bumper and grills allow you to lacerate old ladies on bicycles and spew their diced entrails out of the exhaust.


The website then drivels on about the sustainable materials used to build the tank.

Carefully designed to maximise the use of more sustainable manufacturing materials, each vehicle uses 16kg of recycled plastic and 21kg of natural and renewable materials.

Wow, whoopee, there's an achievement in a city runabout that's expected to weigh an eyewatering 1625kg plus.

As I said in the title, this kind of urban shitemobile makes me want to Puque. Clearly I'd rather prospective purchasers bought bicycles instead - but failing that, the Citroen C1 is a much more reasonable urban car.

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